Conversations
Number 1 - The Weight

It was early spring. The ground was hard and cold, her knees absorbing the grit of small rocks. Long hair rocked with the motion of her arm as she hacked the stubborn earth with the knife and then assaulted the ground with torn fingernails. Near her side the large potted plant awaited its new bed. Her thoughts were in turmoil and deep lines created by furrowed brows encircled water-drenched eyes. A raw surge of pain engulfed her chest and the heat behind her eyeballs exploded. Turning, she lifted the heavy potted plant and tears spilled onto her cheeks, to fall and soothe the acrid soil. Sobs erupted from her throat and as her hair fell into the pot on her lap she screamed, "Dear God, it's too heavy!"

Gently He answered, "Move over then woman and I will help you lift it."
She sat quietly for a moment, her chest heaving with the weight of her pain.
"It's still too heavy!"
"Then let go of some of the weight."
Suddenly she felt drained. "I don't want this one. I'm too weak."
"But you asked for it."
"I did not! I would never ask for this one!"
He responded, "Don't you remember?"
"No!" her throat, full of water, slurred her words. "You lie!"
"I don't do lies," was the gentle response.

Her faith struggled with the reality of her situation. "No one has to suffer this much."
His words were slow in coming. "It is but a whisper in the wind compared to some."
"You are wrong."
"I don't do wrongs either."
"How could I have asked for this one?"
"You wanted strength. Did you not?"
"I remember praying for that, yes."
"Do you remember telling Me that you could not feel happiness?"
"I remember that too."
"You wished you were dead. Remember?"
"Yes."
"It wasn't time for your body to die."
"But you gave me no reason to live!"
"Ah, but the reasons were there."

Thoughtfully she answered, "But now you give me this burden that is too great to bear."
"Do you have reason to live now?" Do you have a reason to be strong now?" Do you not have happy moments now?"
"Yes!" she shouted. "At his expense I do. When he has a good day I am happy." "My child, are you afraid of pain?"
"Not if it is my pain to bear, but You have given it to MY child! Would you punish a child for my sins?"

"He is not being punished."
"Then give me his pain. He suffers too much. Let me carry it." She begged.
"Right now your pain is greater."
A thought quickly surfaced in her mind. "Was I an instrument in creating his pain?"
"No my child. You don't have that power."
"I don't understand then. Why must he suffer?"
"Great souls are always in pain."
"Dear God, why is that?"
"These are great souls who chose enlightenment to become more evolved. With that choice comes suffering."
"Is my son a great soul?"
"He is."

She desperately craved the answer to her next question. "Is his pain unbearable?"
The answer came softly. "I don't do unbearable."

She lifted the heavy plant from the pot and loosened the soil around its roots.
" Did I chose my life."
"You did."
Curiosity aroused she asked. "Is there anyone with a perfect life?"
"Would you want anyone's soul to stand still in time?"
"No."
Feeling a little lightheaded now that her heart felt normal again she asked, "Lord, is this happiness I feel?"
"It is acceptance."
"It somehow feels better than that."
The calm answer came in a whisper, "That is because with acceptance comes peace."
"Will you help me carry this load the rest of the way dear Lord?"
"I will."

She lowered the plant into the hole and pushed in the moistened soil to cover its roots. Feeling the earth between her fingers and the warmth of the sun on her face, she patted the ground around the young bush. Feeling much lighter, she straightened to watch it sway in a new-born breeze.

Georgium Sidus
written in 2001
The first in her "Conversation" series.

 

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