Our readers wanted an expert opinion on several topics dealing with real life issues. We have chosen two topics to present Lynda’s Perspective on.
First - Helping a friend deal with anger at the death of her husband.
“To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven ….”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
The stages of grief, first introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, (1969) describes five discrete stages whereby people deal with tragedy and the loss of a loved one.
They include:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These stages are not necessarily experienced in this order, nor do all persons experience all steps. Each stage of this recovery process is a necessary and a natural part of the healing process.
Fear, depression and anger are emotions and reactions most often associated when someone we love is taken from us. The grieving person can resent anyone who symbolizes life. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.
Your friend may benefit from some coaching in symptom-management techniques, such as relaxation skills and thought stopping. Encourage recognition of her resourcefulness; such as the expression of positive emotion, laughter, and the ability to reconnect positively to life.
The stages of grief are natural and should not be forced. The process is highly personal and will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.
However, if over time the emotional pain does not diminish in intensity, the natural process may be arrested. This may indicate a complicated grief process, which can occur following the death of a very close and loving relationship.
Notable characteristics of complicated grief can include:
1. A prolonged sense of disbelief.
2. Reoccurring pangs of painful emotions.
3. Anger and bitterness over the death.
4. Intense yearning for the deceased person.
5. Avoidance of places and activities that are reminders of the painful loss.
6. Preoccupation with the deceased person, including intrusive thoughts about the death.
In such a case encourage your friend to seek professional counselling.
Second - Responding to a single parent on raising confident children.
Lynda’s Perspective.
Raising children taxes the resources of most parents and can be quite a socio-economic, energetic and personal challenge for a single parent, who may have to fulfill many roles and obligations.
You, as the parent provide the early template of life, instilling the most primary imprint of human qualities. Since we are human, not perfect, we have to accept this quality of imperfection within our children and ourselves.
Currently, the most salient parenting direction comes from a parenting philosophy based on the principles of developmental psychology and attachment theory.
Attachment parenting is characterized by the parent’s ability to create emotional bonds and the use of appropriate discipline avoiding harsh, punitive reactivity. These parents encourage independence, within a parameter of firm limits, which promote the creation of strong emotional bonds and nurtures the child’s need to develop trust, safety, affection and confidence. These are human qualities needed for healthy lifelong relationships.
Self-confidence is the result of emotional security, which begins with a child’s sense of felt security, acceptance, and most of all, feeling unconditionally loved.
Parenting is a bi-directional relationship between parent and child. The temperament and cognitive styles of the child can also make positive parenting difficult. The child’s characteristics can have an essential influence on the parent-child relationship.
Although you may have many challenges within in a single-parent family, you can attune the relationship with your children to the principles of authoritative (see insert for styles of parenting) and attachment parenting principles.
Life is not perfect, learn to accept this, relax, and enjoy your children.
Major Categories of Parenting Styles
Indulgent or Ermissive - No rules or consequences for child’s behaviors.
Authoritarian - Rigid, stern and inflexible parenting.
Authoritative - Providing rules, guidance & characterized by a high degree of warmth and responsiveness.
Negligent Parenting - Disregarding the children and focusing on other interests.
Lynda Moss M.A. (Counselling Psychology), CCC.
Anam Kara Centre
360 Topsail Rd
St. John's, NL A1E 2B6
Phone: 709-579-0006
Website:anamkaracentre.com
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